Grieving Personal Wounds

By: Bob Parkins, MS, LMFT

While recently at an Every Man's Battle conference, the group I was facilitating had been processing the relationship between emotional wounds and sexually acting-out. While it was exciting to watch these men reconnect with their hearts and risking vulnerability by sharing painful experiences, I encountered quite a bit of resistance from the group. This caused me to reflect on how often I experience this same type of resistance with many of my clients. Men often ask me what purpose does "rehashing" the past or "blaming" one's parents serve. With these questions I am also frequently given a monologue on "choices" and "personal responsibility." These questions are fair and deserve answers, but to miss the issues behind them is to miss the heart of the man that asks.

Some emotional wounds leave us so deeply injured that it can be terrifying just to look at them. We are not only afraid of hurting again, but also the possible "unknown" we may dread finding. Sadly, we trade God's healing touch for the certainty of the mundanely dulled and bruised heart. To us, this can feel better than the dread of having our hearts opened and spilling into our own consciousness, or being exposed for others to see. But whether we acknowledge it or not, we still bleed from within. This is why addictions can keep people in bondage for so many years. Willingly, and sometimes happily through acting-out, people abandon their own hearts as they bleed internally.

Acknowledging a wounded heart is not "rehashing," "blaming," or "skirting responsibility" for one's own actions/transgressions. When people acknowledge their wounded-ness they are taking responsibility for their hearts, and that honors God. Acknowledgement moves one closer to truly surrendering these wounds to God, so that He may heal them. God patiently respects people's unwillingness to acknowledge their wounded hearts, for a while. Fortunately He loves his people enough, that in even in their unwillingness, he allows crisis to bring them face-to-face with their wounds and transgressions.

For many men struggling with sexual addiction, a crisis of truth may take the form of having one's transgressions exposed. While this is usually humiliating, I frequently remind couple's of God's graciousness, mercy, and heart for them. A loving Father does not allow his son/daughter to continue in sin indefinitely without confrontation. Being brought to a crisis of truth is an opportunity and chance for redemption. For some, it may not be possible to reconcile a broken marriage, but it is still possible for many others. Regardless of what is lost, a chance is given to reconcile with God and with self. Reconciliation with self can never happen fully be achieved without an honest look at one's wounds.

Healing emotional wounds may start with resistance. Like any other feeling, resistance can tell you something about yourself. If you feel defensive or resistant about an issue, you may actually be afraid to address it. Your resistance may be telling you to dig deeper and deal with the specifics of an issue, which is not "rehashing," but addressing the issue or wound. People who take responsibility for their wounds and behaviors by addressing then honestly cannot be "blaming." God honors those efforts and acts of repentance and taking responsibility. He promises to graciously see the brokenhearted through the process of healing their emotional wounds, if they let him (Rom 8:28).